How About An Old-Fashioned Book Burning

Kudos to Ida Deyton and her crusade to remove Harry Potter from our schools. To further her agenda, I propose that we have an old-fashioned book burning—a real night of family fun!

We could start with Stuart Little, which advocates mingling of the species. And then toss in E.B. White’s other outrageous work, Charlotte’s Web, a story of an obviously mentally disturbed child who hears voices coming from animals and spiders. While we’re at it, we could throw in Snow White, a sordid tale of a floozy who shacks up with not one, but SEVEN men, and Peter Pan, another Potter-esque witchcraft tale full of spell-bound flying children and (Pagan!) fairies.

Let’s not forget Cinderella, yet another story chocked full of witchcraft and spells, or the wicked Where the Wild Things Are, because we all know that the wild things are really demons. And for obvious reasons, we would have to include The Wizard of Oz, The Lord of the Rings, and The Chronicles of Narnia, even though the latter was written by an esteemed Cambridge University Christian theologian. To ensure the salvation of our older children, we would have to also include Shakespeare’s pathetic tales of violence, incest, and witchcraft, as well as the Odyssey and all those other Greek and Roman poems advocating false gods. Not to mention Walt Whitman’s ode to a deviant lifestyle, Henry David Thoreau’s ode to pantheism and simplicity, and Mark Twain’s odes to juvenile delinquency. Finally, and sadly, we would have to chunk in the Holy Bible, what with its promotion of sex (Song of Solomon), torture (Revelation), and violence (most of the Old Testament). Let us make haste! There is much work to be done! Forget freedom of speech! Forget separation of church and state! Instead, let us all band together NOW to save our children from the unhealthy influence of all these demonic voices. And when we are done, we can sit back and stare at all those empty shelves and imagine that the Lord is whispering in our ear, “well done, my good and faithful servant,” as we settle down to read the only book left in town, T.V. Guide.